When I was thinking of what to write for this post I came up with a working title that was a question: Is it possible to be happy while stressed? This seemed like a good idea at the time, the day the title came up for me I believe I was experiencing some (fleeting) happiness. But I can always tell if an idea is going anywhere by whether I actually sit down and start writing. In this case, with that title, I never did actually sit down and write, but the need to write something did not go away.
When I began this post I promised to be as honest and vulnerable as I could possibly be, and writing about happiness while stressed didn’t really cut it. Writing about stress at least approached the honesty I am after; my general rule of thumb is if I am uncomfortable with what I’m revealing then I am coming close to the emotional vulnerability I seek. The truth is I am not comfortable writing about my stress level.
My stress level begins and ends with finances. I carry some shame about the financial shape I am in because, given my age, a part of me believes that I should be in better financial shape. I have not been the most financially responsible person, that is for sure. There is also the reality that I’ve dealt with health issues that impacted my capacity to work (make money) and the biggest current factor, my partner lost her job coming up on two years ago and, as a result we lost half our income.
The financial pressure has built since that time. Recently, just covering the cost of basic needs (food, housing, transportation, etc.) has become difficult. The pressure and the fear have increased to a degree that I started questioning my ability to cope. This all sounds a bit dramatic as I write it down, but it is my truth.
It’s difficult to describe the experience of breaking down emotionally. It begins with fear, fear that I am losing control, that I can’t manage my emotions. The fear grows and I have the sense that my emotions are handling me. During this process I went to a 12-step meeting and felt compelled to share what was happening. I had no idea what I was going to share when I started and I ended up saying that I felt broken. It’s not just broken though, it’s broken beyond repair.
At least that is the emotional experience. It’s as if fissures start to form in my identity. I get this felt sense that what I’ve been doing, how I’ve been living, is no longer viable. It’s not working, and the harder I try to fix it, the more I attempt to control it, the worse it becomes, until, finally, in desperation, I surrender. It’s not beyond me that this is a 1st step experience.
Step 1:
We admitted that we were addicted, and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Substitute “falling apart” for “addicted” and you have my experience. If any of you are wondering how I can work, helping people, while having this experience, I used to wonder about that myself. Gradually, over time, I came to realize that not only could I work while in emotional crisis myself, I was a better therapist for it. I had more compassion, more empathy, and, maybe most importantly, I did not judge another’s experience, I did not blame them.
The broken experience does not last forever, for me in any case. In this case, I felt it acutely for several days, a week at most. The emotional memory of it stays however, and, on a deep level, I can feel change happening. While I’m in this fragile state I come to realize that the only solution is God. Step 1 leads to Step 2:
We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I love Step 2. After my admission of brokenness I started to receive little signs that I am not alone in it. This too, is difficult to put into words. An empty day on my calendar suddenly fills up to where I have to take a break, I get a strange, never before encountered referral, that turns into a wonderful (albeit challenging) relationship. I witness, right in front of me, the transformation of one of my clients from a traumatized, anxiety ridden person, to a smart, powerful, funny, beautiful human being. And I know, on a very deep level, that I was not the change agent, Love was.
Because I was raised in the Christian faith, the Christ story serves as powerful model for the process I’ve just described. When I go through the suffering and despair of a first step, it is the process of dying to myself. The way I’ve been living no longer works, this version of me needs to die, and that means going through the fear, uncertainty, and disorganization of death. Thankfully, the death of myself is followed by a rebirth (resurrection) and a reorganization of myself. I become new again.
I don’t pretend to understand this process, the best I can do is try to describe my experience. It is my sincere hope that my words can help anyone else going through this. This is the spiritual path, it’s what we sign up for when we commit to living a spiritual life. The bad news is we are certain to go through “dark nights of the soul” in the spiritual life, the good news is despair is always followed by renewal, and rebirth. As my therapist pointed out to me while I was in the midst of it, light is created out of the darkness, and the light defeats the dark, every time.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I really appreciate it.
John